I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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