I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
