Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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