Kiss
Puke
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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