I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Mom said you looked used
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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