the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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