it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
