it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
