mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize