I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
