I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
