He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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