i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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