Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
