I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize