True but thats because hes a fetus.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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