I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
