hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
