last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
