Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
honey bunches of taint.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
