im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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