Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
