only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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