She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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