Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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