Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize