Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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