worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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