I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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