Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
