I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
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