Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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