I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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