They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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