I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize