U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
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