her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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