His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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