I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
