So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
