she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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