I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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