whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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