i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize