Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
only you would photoshop your dick
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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