All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
