got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
