Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Randomize
