Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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