I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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