Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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