My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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