We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
