I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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