Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
